A woman's view: What DON'T Carlos Tevez and Fernando Torres have in common? ( November 05, 2007 )
The Manchester United and Liverpool strikers are a world apart when it comes to their looks. Hayley Simpson lightheartedly picks a line-up of football Uglies to face a team of Dreamboats.

Before I go any further, I strongly suggest that those men who take their football seriously read no further. Likewise the chauvinists who feel women have no right to comment on sport, either seriously or in jest.

OK, hopefully the only people left are those who, like me, prefer their football to be a bit of fun as well as a great adrenalin kick at weekends or whenever your team is in action.

Basically I’ve been having a giggle at players‘ looks (or lack of them), rather than the way they play. And I’ve come up with two teams - the Hayley Uglies and the Hayley Dreamboats. My sincere apologies to the Uglies - I know only too well that you can’t help the way you look and that, unlike us girls, don't have the benefit of makeup to hide the hideous bits. (Well, not unless you want to get kicked all around the dressing room and branded fairies).

But I do question why men who are blessed with masses of money but few natural attributes other than twinkling feet don’t invest a few thousand in improving their appearance.

Take Carlos Tevez and Ronaldinho, for example - don’t they know a good dentist? Perhaps they should ask Robert Earnshaw, who looked like a modern-day Bugs Bunny until he had his peggies seen to in the close season. Either that or he found a miracle cure for unattractiveness.

Poor Rio Ferdinand doesn’t so much need a tooth job - even a ton of collagen couldn’t help the lipless one. Not that he’s bothered, I’m sure. He could probably bed half the women in Manchester should he wish to - though I suspect most of them would have their eyes tightly shut throughout the experience.

Before you start telling me I’m no oil painting myself , I’d like to put you right on that one. I have been reliably informed that I DO look very much like one of LS Lowry’s matchstick women, so don't even go there.

As for footballers taking stick about their looks, well, not all of them can look like David Ginola - but at least they can hide their deficiencies by plastering £100 notes all over their faces.

Anyway, this is my Ugly XI, based on players who have graced the European game over the last decade or so.

Fabien Barthez (is he Donald Pleasance reincarnated?), Gary Neville, Rio Ferdinand, Martin Keown, Anton Ferdinand, Carlton Palmer, Yossi Benayoun, Ronaldinho, Ivan Campo, Peter Beardsley, Jason Koumas, Iain Dowie and Franck Ribery. The chairman would be Eggert ‘The Vulkan’ Magnusson and the manager Harry Redknapp.

Harry’s no oil painting, for sure but he must have the world’s most beautiful wife, otherwise how did his son Jamie get his good looks?).

Now for the best-looking team (are you reading, girls?). I apologise for most of them being forwards, but my Dreamboat lineup would be Kasper Schumacher (or David James if you fancy someone more experienced), Warren Barton, David Beckham, Gary Speed, Kaka, Cristiano Ronaldo, Eidur Gudjohnsen, Michael Owen, Fernando Torres, Harry Kewell and David Ginola. Oh, and the manager has to be special, and there’s only one of those - Jose Mourinho. As for the chairman, are there any good-looking ones?

So there you have it, a team of Uglies and a team of Dreamboats (even if the good lookers would have no chance of beating anyone with only one specialist defender in Barton).

Not exactly the most serious thing you’ve read on Sportingo, but I had a giggle putting it together. Now I'll get back to cooking the roast...